Monday, August 26, 2013

Things I'm good at lately:

In case you guys were thinking that I'm only good at making wallets and talking about wallets, YOU'RE WRONG.  Some other things I'm good at lately in no particular order include but are not limited to the following:

1.  Not calling my mom.  Dude.  My mom got on facebook, which she pretty much uses only to spy on her 10 friends who are pretty much all family members who reside in the same town as her.  DAMN, girl is up to 41 friends!  So there I was, on my way home from a 2 Bloody Mary brunch (at lunch time, yo!), minding my own hangover (we'll get to that), when my phone makes a beep like I got a message on facebook.  I did.  It was from my mom, telling me that a good daughter calls her moms sometimes.  AHHH!!  That's what text messages used to be for!  Also, just call, mom.  It would have taken less time than writing a facebook message on your phone!  I'm making her wait for my call until tonight on principle.

Sorry mom, I'm busy playing Chippendale's Go Fish for creepy cards with lady's hands on dude's faces.

2.  Dranking a whole bottle of "Fermented Jooose."  You guys might know it as wine.  I have been pretty bad at being a grown up booze-wise lately.  And by that I mean I pretty much don't drink unless Chainsaw takes me out to lunch.  Then I have two drinks and the rest of my day is spent on the couch wishing I was taking a nap, but how can you nap when there is tv to watch?!  I'm also really good at drinking on vacation, but mostly I ain't into it.  Saturday night we went to our friends' house for Bring Your Own Meat and also Bring Your Own Beer night.  I had successfully spent the whole day in my pajamas feeling bloaty all day Saturday, so I decided a nice cheap ass wine would be a good companion to my mood.  Wine and fancy wieners.  Ok, BRATS, but fancy ones, bitches.  Anyway, the point of this story is that I drank a whole bottle of $8 voignier that was on sale for like $7.35.  The last time I drank a whole bottle of wine in one night was a fateful night in Paris.  I threw up for hours under the sparkling lights of the Eiffel Tower.  Chainsaw and Laura said some army looking guys with big ass guns even stopped to see if I was cool, and they said yes, hoping the army guys wouldn't notice that there was a white wine vomit lake around our trusty park bench.  Almost 9 years later, and I'm way better at drinking a whole bottle of wine.  Didn't puke once!  Although I did spent like 5 hours drinking it instead of 15 minutes like that time in Paris.

Here is me being a grown up taking shots at the nudie beach a couple summers ago so you know that I'm good at this shit.

3.  Wearing my pajamas all day.  I briefly touched on this in number 2, but I am giving it its own point. Right now I'm wearing my pajamas.  Some days I wear my pajamas until bed time, when I take them off to put on clean pajamas.  Boom!  I make an effort to get dressed at least a few times a week.  I can't believe I did it before noon yesterday after all that wine, but there were pancakes with BACON IN THEM and 99 cent Bloody Mary's at stake.  I whore-bathed and threw on a cat shirt, a touch of concealer, and then rubbed my eyes really good so Saturday night's eyeliner would give me that sexy Sunday morning hangover smudge.  This got all messed up.  It was supposed to be about my close personal relationship with pajamas.

Here is a picture of me from last year.  I look like I'm probably wearing pajamas.  Why am I not doing daily pajama outfit posts?  Right now I'm wearing a large Found magazine shirt with pink plaid pants.

4.  Wearing clothes with cats.  Can you believe my luck that shit with cats on it is trendy right now?  Thank you thank you thank you universal fashion overlords.  While on vacation, I bought no fewer than 3 items of clothing with cats on them.  Once cat dress, check.  Cat skirt, check.  Weirdly shaped cat tank top thing that's cool right now, check.  I can also recall with vivid detail how psyched I was to buy my super sweet laser leopard tshirt right before my birthday in addition to my leopard print sweatshirt.  Come on fall, mama needs to be wearing that sweatshirt all the times again.  Be forewarned, I'm probably going to have to do a cat wardrobe post in the future.  I can't wait for the trend to be out so I can be the only one rocking pussy gear.  Some day!

Nice kitty!  (I know that ain't no kitty, ok?)

Ok, I'm also good at being done with this post.

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